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Hey Kelly-
I kinda found myself in a situation, and I'm at a loss as for what to do. I've been talking to this person on-line for about a year or so now, and didn't think much of it, because we "met" while I was still dating someone. I've been single for roughly the past 8 months, and I've since developed feelings for this girl. Okay. Now other than my needing times alone here are all the reasons these feelings are ill-timed: She's still in college, she's five years younger than me, she lives in Wisconsin. She's dropped some hints of maybe being interested in me, but I understand how easily women can lose interest when a guy does something stupid.
I don't want to lose her as a friend, but I don't know how to keep avoiding this elephant in the room. It's just frustrating, and I feel like any second I'm going to blurt it out (I'm talking to her now). I don't know if she'll figure it out from reading your column or not. I really don't know the answer on this. Thanks for reading.
-Dude



Dude!
Let me tell you a story. I'll make it quick, I promise.
Back in the day, maybe 5 years ago, I was in a relationship with a complete douchebag that was destined for failure. At the time I was talking online to a guy that I had "met" through a couple other friends of mine. He was funny, well-spoken, brutally honest and I admit I was harboring a few feelings for him. One day he said to me, out of the blue, "So when are you going to dump that loser and go out with me?"
Well, I did, and I did, and I've never looked back. We're getting married this Spring.
I guess my point is that if you never ask, you'll never know. So ask! "Hey pretty lady, I think I might have a thing for you, because you're awesome. Can I buy you a meal or something? Possibly a ticket to one of those Moving Pictures they've got these days? Or if you don't have a thing for me, can I do all those things anyway because I just enjoy your company?"
If the things you've listed as reasons you can't be together are really as huge as you make them out to be, the relationship might not work out. But hey, nothing ventured, right?
Let me know!
-KD

Dear Kelly Dee,

Since I usually find myself hopelessly attracted to older, often married, men, I was wondering what are the rules in dating/fucking/marrying an older man?  I've heard that during your younger years there's a formula: something like half your age plus seven years is the youngest you can date, but is there a reverse for going older?  And do you hit a point where the age doesn't really matter as long as the guy isn't in adult diapers?

Thanks,

Grace



Hi there Grace,

Honestly, you're probably asking the wrong person here. I find older men to be pretty creepy, and the oldest guy I've ever dated was...hmmm...maybe three years older then me?

What is it about such older men that you find attractive, I wonder? Not that it's any of my business, you understand. I just personally find the whole older man/younger woman thing creepy as fuck. I mean...old wrinkly skin...saggy bags under their eyes....COLD HANDS. I'm not suggesting you're screwing a seriously old man, but the very thought of seeing one naked is enough to make me a lesbian again. Is it some kind of Daddy/Daughter kick that gets you off? A security thing? I'm not judging, mind, whatever rocks your girlybits is your business.

Oh man, I got way off track there and never did answer your question. My bad.
Having sworn off younger men ages ago (I think it was due to that time I got cornered into going to the Prom at the age of 20 and my old principal was all like "Hi...what are you doing here?") I like to follow one simple rule for dating. If they are old enough to legitimately be your father, you should probably not be sleeping with them. On the flip side of that, if you love them, who the fuck cares (excluding me) how old they are? I asked around for general rules of age matches and nobody could tell me of any concrete formula for figuring out how old is too old. I personally like the "if they could have fathered you, back off" rule, but that's one girl's opinion.
-KD

A hat trick of awesome!

Dear Readers,
Today I have for you not one, not two, but three subjects to cover. Let's get to it.


Dear Kelly,
How do you go about not seducing someone? When one is so incredibly attractive,
what can a person do to repulse people?
Respectfully,
Mme. Valdes


Madame,
Brussel sprouts = loud and smelly farts. Smile afterwards, so they know you both acknowledge and cherish what you've accomplished.



Dear Kelly,
I'm teaching Elementary School kids and I need some ideas on how to make their
lives more interesting and hilarious. Whatcha got?
Sarah


Hey Sarah,
See question #1.
-KD



Dear Kelly,
In your opinion, what qualities (visible and non-visible) make a good tattoo?
Mr. Karamasov


Ok sir, you have my attention.
I see so many awful tattoos every day, the good ones are few and far between. Here's my list of do's and don'ts.

DO:
-Consider color vs. black and white ink. Colors fade fairly quickly in sunlight, is your tat going to be somewhere where the sun will see it all the time? Can you afford to have it re-inked every couple years or so if it fades?
-Consider placement: Unless you're a biker, convict or ex-millitary, bicep and knuckle tattoos are tacky as hell. Also, for the ladies, tramp stamps (lower back tattoos) are just not cool. Shoulder, back, chest or forearm tats are my personal favorites.
-Consider content. Your tat is forever, so it should be something that is original and special to you. If you have an artist friend, maybe they'd be interested in sketching a few ideas. Make sure you absolutely love it before it goes onto your body.
-Consider establishment. Talk to people who have tattoos and see if they'll recommend a shop for you to go to. Talk to the artist and make sure that you're both on the same page about what you want to have done. Again, and I can't stress this enough, tattoos are forever.

DON'T:
-Don't just go into the shop and pick some retarded flash art from their books of posters. How is that special or original? Tattoo art on the following list should be banned from society.
"Tribal" art, armbands, fairies, butterflies, cartoon characters of WB, Disney or mainstream anime like Dragonball Z or that crap, Calvin pissing on anything (even if it's some insane paradox of Calvin pissing on an upside-down Calvin, thus tearing a hole in space/time), a name of someone you've ever had sex with, roses with or without thorns, crying Jesus, non-crying Jesus, Grateful Dead ANYTHING, dolphins around the belly button or tree frogs on the ankle, celtic-inspired stuff unless you're actually irish/scotch etc, Rebel anything (The South got it's ass beat and will never ever ever rise again ever. Get the fuck over it), angels or devils on your shoulder, dice/cards/gambling related bullshit, song lyrics.
-Don't get anything you'll be embarrassed to have to show a friend/coworker/employer/child.

Hmm...I know that list is long as hell but seriously, everything on it has been done to death. "Oh wow, a spinning Tazmanian Devil coming out of your chest, how awesome. The last 10 rednecks in here totally didn't have that same tattoo." Best of luck to you!
-KD

Kelly,

I am probably due a big proverbial slap in the face (not a real slap, I don't want you to ruin the money-maker), but I thought I would write anyway to get someone else's opinion.  This is a long one, bear with me. 

I am in college, and have immersed myself in a sub-culture that previously I had never experienced before.  I am involved with organizations where lesbianism is the norm, and people who are straight are actually the minority.  I realized that I had some same-sex attractions early in college, and acted on them, but I know deep down that I have an honest attraction to both sexes.  I'm bisexual, and I am coming to terms with that fact and have actually started coming out as bisexual to my friends at school and even my mother, which didn't go over very well.

My mother says that I am 'on the island,' meaning that because I am in a social group where this is the norm, I am manifesting these feelings so that I will belong.  I disagree, but I do wonder sometimes if I hadn't found this group to be around would I have even contemplated feelings towards other women?  I am not sure.  The age-old argument...is it nature, or nurture?

I have been dating another woman for almost two years now.  At about the half-way point I had an extended stint back home, with my racist, homophobic, sexist family and felt so unbelievably overwhelmed with guilt and uncertainty that I broke up with my girlfriend because I felt like I was doing something wrong.  I started dating this guy, to do what I was 'supposed to do,' but ended up being completely and utterly miserable without my girl.  I ended up breaking up with the guy, and got back together with her, and we have been so happy since--our relationship is actually stronger now that we had that hard time.  But sometimes I get waves of this feeling of...wrongness again and I am afraid that I am going to succumb to the pressures I feel from my family and from society in general.  I don't really know what to do.

And when I'm not fighting off this guilt, I am rather solid on my ideas about bisexuality and what it means to me.  (I really go from one end of the spectrum to the other about this whole thing, its unnerving, really.)  I know in my heart that it is possible to love both men and women, even if you decide to spend the rest of your life with one or the other.  It pisses me off to no end when people tell me that I am just in a phase, or that I'm really a lesbian, but I'm afraid to admit it, or that I'm promiscuous and don't have the ability or the will-power to settle down because I'll be constantly wanting the opposite of what I have.  And surprisingly, I get the most slack from gay people!  I get upset when they call me a lesbian, because that isn't who I am.  Am I wrong for feeling this way?  Should I really care so much about a label?  I just feel so invisible because when I walk down the street and I am with a woman who is obviously gay, people assume that I am a lesbian, and when I am with a man, people assume that I am straight...and neither of those are who I am or how I identify myself.  I can't help but get angry when people thrust their opinions and views on me and tell me how I feel and how I don't feel.  Should I just grin and bear it or actually tell these people to shove it....or does it matter?  People tell me it is a matter of semantics, that its just a word, a label, but we as a society are so keen on labeling everyone and everything that I feel like it is just ingrained in me to be indignant that people are not seeing me the way that I see myself...that I am being portrayed in an incorrect or false light.

Wow, this is long.  As you can tell I have a lot going on and need some frank advice.  Please help?

Thanks,
Bigrrrl



Heya Grrl,

Sounds to me like you know exactly what you want and what makes you happy, right up until the moment some other asshole questions you. I think maybe you should stop talking to assholes. It's nobody's business but your own what you like having done to your vajayjay and by whom. Anyone who disagrees can go fuck themselves, family included.

As far as labels go, they are a product of the society we live in and I'm sorry that they make you feel so bad. There's not a damn thing you can do about them. People are cattle who, in order to not have to think harder about anything than they absolutely have to, will boil everything they see into one or two simple words, then forget about it entirely. Girl and Girl holding hands on street = lesbians. After that, I promise you they don't even care. They won't go home and tell their family over dinner "I saw some dykes walking down the boulevard this afternoon, they're taking over our fine city!"

Ultimately, all you're going to do by worrying about people forcing their labels onto you is be a worried mess. Knock it off.
-KD

Of my many awesome talents, it dawned on me the other night that another talent I seem to have is talking to girls. And guys. And old people. Who knew?

I ran a business for a few years back in the day, and since then I've worked customer service, trade shows, and a lot of other jobs that entailed working with people on a one-on-one basis. It's always been my job to be able to talk to people. I didn't realize the full extent of this talent until last night while talking to a friend of mine. He was having a hard time coming up with something to say to this girl he's got his eye on, so I drafted an email for him.  I think it went over pretty well. I mark it as a point of pride that now, in my post-college years, I can effectively flirt with just about anyone on the planet. Shameless, I know.

My point, I guess, is that there are some serious intricacies to having a conversation with someone you're trying to woo. I mean, I know you're supposed to "be yourself" or whatever, but the fact is that you need to present a certain image to catch someone's attention. You've got to have game. Be yourself, but be the pimpest self you can be, you know? Christ, I'm awful for saying that...but it doesn't make it any less true.

That said, I hereby offer my services to work a Casanova-style deal with you and your intended. Don't know what to say? Let me say it for you. Let me know the working details and I'll fill in the rest. Satisfaction guaranteed, with as much guarantee as an internet advice column can provide.
-KD

You're young, and babies are awful.

Dear Kelly,

I'm 24 and living with my girlfriend of two years-ish. Marriage is not out of the question and will probably happen eventually. I'm basically okay with that although sometimes I look back on my single years and wish I hadn't squandered so much of them... but that's nothing to do with my question. My girlfriend has always responded to the kids question the same way... "I don't want kids, yet." It's that "yet" that worries me. Look it up sometime-- we're going to be facing one big motherfucker of a population bottleneck in the next fifty years barring some amazing, Star Trek kinds of solutions. This species is going to just barely drag its ass into the twenty-third century with maybe one or two different cultures left intact. Bottom line, I don't want to subject yet another human being to that. And plus! What if we had a kid and it turned out fucked up? I'm already against having a kid on the grounds that I don't want to give up the type of life I want to lead. (Selfish? Hell yes, but at least I'm honest.) Kids throw a monkey wrench into every plan you'll have for eighteen years minimum (if you're a good parent, and if I get suckered into being a parent I'd refuse to be a bad/inattentive one). That's if the kids are normal. What if they've got physical or mental disabilities or one of those dumb-assed allergies like wheat gluten or tree nuts? That's twice the annoyance.
So here's my question: should we sit down and have the kids talk soon? Or should we wait until it's actually a Thing that's looming on the horizon after marriage? Because I don't want to wind up thirty-three and alone because I wouldn't back down on having an annoying, potentially fucked-up drain on my wallet that I might not even love. I love my girlfriend. I could spend the rest of my life with her. Not so much with that mewling, crying poop machine that lurks in the shadows of the future every time she almost forgets to take her birth control.
- Verbose in Valdese



Hey guy, I know what you're talking about.
I fucking hate babies. They don't speak English, they poop in their pants, they cry for seemingly no reason at all, they're attention whores and they can't even hold down a job (I should talk).
Luckily, none of that matters since you're young and don't need to be having babies anyway. For serious.
Bottom line, it's too early to be having any sort of child-related Geneva Convention talks with your special lady friend. If it comes up in the future, so be it. But until then, just hold your peace. Who knows? Maybe sometime before you're 33 and alone you'll change your mind. Babies can be kind of charming, you know...I mean, when they're someone else's.
-KD


Start with the nipple clamps, I think.

Hey Kelly,

Nipple Claps vs.Nipple Piercings. What are the pros and cons of each?

Sincerely, Curious



Ok. I'll tell you straight off the top that I prefer the clamps for beginners. They don't leave scars and are generally cheaper than the piercings would be. Also, piercings can be rejected by your body and be pushed out over time. If you get the clamps and decide you like them, maybe think about the piercings. They're fun too. Thing is, they offer completely different feelings. The piercings are permanent, whereas the clamps are used for momentary use. Where piercings are fun to play with all the time, the idea of clamps is to cut off the blood flow until you can take them off...where the real fun begins.

1:Nipple piercings are awesome! They'd offer 24/7 stimulation, and even though it'll hurt like a bitchy bitch when you got them (unless you're into that kind of thing, perv) after a while they're just like permanent little toys. I mean, the first few times you get in the shower with those puppies, you'll know what I'm talking about. Whoo, boy.
They can, in some rare cases, impair your ability to breast feed later in life. This happens when the needle is put in at an awkward angle and scar tissue thickens around your...what are they even called? The holes in your boobs that let the milk out? Is it just called nipple? My roomate says "squirty holes", so we'll go with that. Most people in the body piercing business know better than to do that, though. I mean, look at the place. If it looks like you're gonna get hepatitis, they probably don't know how to correctly and safely shove a thick needle into your boobs.

2: Clamps are easy to work with, can be adjusted (in some cases) to fit the amount of pressure you're comfortable with, and will be cheaper than piercings. On the flip side, you're hella likely to creep out a boy when you pull those babies out of your nightstand. If you still want to give it a shot though, know that there are three basic kinds of clamps out there.

Alligator clamps work like a clothespin. They are your very basic type of clamps. They generally have a screw mechanism that will allow you to very the pressure. A great beginners set.



Next, there are clover clamps. They're pretty much the same, but prettier. Good luck finding an adjustable pair.


The last kind are tweezer clamps, and they are fully adjustable. Great for beginners, they generally have rubber covers on the tips to keep them comfortable.



Is anyone else slightly creeped out that I know so much about nipple clamps? I hope this helped.
-KD


I gotta be ME!

Dear Kelly,

Yesterday a married couple asked me to consider marrying them (as in being an
extra wife not as in performing a marriage ceremony which would be silly as
they're already married) because I had such an impressive array of wife skills.
How can I use my dazzling wife skills (cooking, organization, massages, hostess
skills, fire building) to my own advantage instead of just treating everybody else?

Respectfully,
Unmarried Wife




Wow, Wife, how wonderful you must be that a married couple BOTH want you in their lives on a permanent basis! Kudos. As far as using your plethora of talents to better enrich your own life, let me recommend something to you. Selfishness. So many people in the world spend much of their time trying to make the world a batter place, helping others, volunteering, giving to charity, etc. These are commendable acts, though the virtue of selfishness is often lost in the mix.

I believe, wholeheartedly, that there are times in life when one must look exclusively to their own betterment. Tell everyone you know to fuck off and spend every minute of the day in complete dedication to pampering and nurturing yourself. Look after #1. Even if it's just one day in a week which you declare "ME DAY". Take care of your shit. Put your living space into an order that you like, for you and no one else. Masturbate. Read a trashy book. Read a literary masterpiece. Spit off the roof. Turn off your phone. Have a bath and listen to bad pop music that you secretly love.

All that said, the key to living selfishly is to learn how to use the word "no."  It took me many years to be able to say that, and I'm a happier person because of it.

On the flip side, if you trul;y enjoy using your wife skills for other people, maybe you could become an in-home caretaker or something? You'd get paid for it and you'll never find people more grateful for your skills than people who can't take care of themselves. Hell, there's not much I won't do for a good backrub, could I book you for an hour or so?

-KD

My brain is my favorite playground.

So, I like to be a bit of a voyeur.  Here's my question though, where is the line drawn?  How far is too far?  I will sometimes seek out open windows to see what people are doing.  It doesn't even have to be anything sexual for me to stop and watch.  I just like watching people.  But I've found that recently as I walk around town and find those open blinds and well lit rooms that I'm applying sexual situations to the person (or people) and start wanting to please myself...does this sound bad to you?  'Cause I'm starting to wonder.

-James




Dude, nothing wrong with that at all. That's the beauty of masturbation! You can think about whatever you want and it doesn't hurt a damn thing.

I mean, so long as you don't pull your dick out on the sidewalk, everything's kosher. And if you're gonna peep into windows, try not to be creepy about it. Sitting in a tree all Jon Lovitz style is bound to get the cops called eventually. Watching chicks do their thing by silhouette is one thing, but installing webcams while they're at work is another.

-KD

An Inevitable Discussion

Kelly,
So I'm getting over a three year relationship that I had with another man. I'm going to spend at least a year or two to work on myself (er, emotionally), and then I'd like to start dating women again (I'm openly bisexual), and settle down. The relationship ended pretty terribly, and I don't feel much need to discuss it anymore, but I'm sure I'd have to discuss it with any future significant other and I'm not sure what do about explaining the subject. Is this really a deal-breaker to even the most progressive woman?
-Concerned




Well.
Simply put, if you're considering a serious relationship with someone, male or female, the subject of your past loves is bound to come up eventually. If, in a couple years, you're still not comfy with talking about this ex of yours, you are perfectly within your rights to say so. Maybe try something like "It ended badly, It's in the past, I'm with you now and that's the end of it." Knowing how girls are about secrets though, that's not likely going to be the end of it.  Every woman I know has at least two things in common. One, a sincere love of secrecy. Two, an equally sincere hate of secrets held from them.

If the relationship is going to be a good and honest one, you're going to have to pony up and dish about your ex at some point or another. I'd hope that after such a long time you'd be able to look back on it objectively and be able to talk about it.

No, I don't think that you having been in a romantic relationship with a man is a deal breaker for a future relationship with a woman, if that woman is really attracted to you for you. If it is, then she's a dumb bitch who doesn't deserve your attention. I mean, I wouldn't have an issue with it, I happen to think boy on boy is pretty awesome. But then, I like to think I'm pretty progressive myself.

I hope this helps. Relationships gone sour are a shitty thing to have to deal with. Nobody ever ends up a winner.
-KD